


Don't let go now

by ao_no_uma



Series: No fear [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, ChirpBaze, M/M, Mentions of Abortion, Mpreg, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Protective Baze, Trauma, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vomiting, mentioned children death, pregnant Chirrut, spiritassasin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-09-27 17:02:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10035371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ao_no_uma/pseuds/ao_no_uma
Summary: After five years of absence, Baze returns to Jedha and tries to put things back together, especially with Chirrut. Everything changes rapidly when Chirrut falls ill.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how it happened. I don't even like m-pregs. But somehow the idea of pregnant Chirrut and overprotective Baze got under my skin and didn't want to leave. Please don't judge me.
> 
> I needed to change canon a bit. According to it, Baze and Chirrut are 34/33 y.o. when Empire rises; in this fic, they are around 23/22 by then.
> 
> I tried to tag everything that might be upsetting. Let me know if it needs additional tagging.
> 
>  
> 
> And huuuge thanks to Looonia16 for their help and support! <3
> 
>  
> 
> [27/5] Made some corrections, mainly corrected grammar mistakes.

Chirrut swayed.

Chirrut had never swayed. When he fought, his stance was rock-solid when he was defending yet swift at attacks, and he was focused solely on the opponent and surroundings to take every advantage possible. But now, he made a jump to the side to dodge oncoming attack and when landing, he wobbled on his feet and lost concentration for just a beat. Everyone except Baze would miss it, but Baze knew him too well to ignore it.

‘Are you alright?’ Baze panted, adjusting the grip of sweaty fingers on training wooden staff, similar to Chirrut’s one.

Chirrut didn’t answer, just lunged forward with next attack and in a few seconds Baze was on the ground on his back, with the end of stick pressed to his neck vein.

*          *

When four months ago Baze returned to the Temple from his five-years-long absence and needed shelter, no Guardian asked him any question. They allowed him to stay in the temple though he had formally quitted the order before he left and should have stayed in one of NiJedha’s lodging houses. No one asked either why he spent nights in Chirrut’s room.

The small chamber was furnished only with bedding one unrolled every evening and single drawer for spare robes. No place for visitors to sit. No personal touches. Guardians were supposed to forget their individualism and focus on the Force and their order.

Sleeping together on narrow mat was challenging, but Baze could sleep on hard floor as well if it meant he was near Chirrut.

After the duel they visited temple’s baths and then sneaked back into Chirrut’s quarters. They were both clean and fresh, still flushed from exertion and hot water. Baze squatted bare-chested with crossed legs in the corner while Chirrut was preparing the bedding.

‘What was that, before?’ Baze started, trying to sound casually.

‘I have no idea what are you talking about’ Chirrut replied sincerely. He was half-turned from Baze and bent over the mat, face obscured from Baze’s view.

‘Yes you know. During the spar, you got distracted.’

‘Ah, this’ a small grimace flashed through Chirrut’s face. ‘I felt a disturbance in the Force coming from the mines. Nothing to be concerned about.’

It was an obvious lie. Unless there was a collapse or other catastrophe in kyber mines, Force fluctuations didn’t bother Chirrut and Baze knew well about it. He had spent sixteen years by his side.

Only the dim light falling through single window was illuminating the room, making it hard for Baze to study his lover’s face when he stood up from the crouch. His eyes could play tricks on him, but Chirrut seemed paler than usual, there were also light purple semicircles under his eyes.

‘Trouble sleeping?’ Baze went on with questions.

‘No when I’m with you’ Chirrut smiled softly. He made few steps to stand in front of Baze with a need plain in his milky eyes. Baze stood up too. He didn’t want to drop the topic, but hot lips suddenly pressed to his shut down a rational part of his brain.

Chirrut wasted no time, his hands flying at once to the front of Baze’s soft pants to untie the strings and tug them down. Baze followed and freed his partner’s body from clothes which he threw carelessly on the floor. He pushed lightly at Chirrut to make him step back, until his feet touched the bedding, and eased him on the blankets, they lips never separating.

They had had sex before Baze had left the temple. Hasty handjobs in deserted chambers, few blowjobs in the middle of the night. It was just a teenage curiosity of their changing bodies, forbidden fruit they dared to try with best friend, a favor they did to each other. No complicated feelings included.

But it had changed. Now it was all about passion, touches and kisses and being close to each other. To savor every moment they could be together.

One of Baze’s hand slid down from where it was planted by Chirrut’s head to his abdomen to caress smooth skin and chiseled muscles underneath. Chirrut mewled into his lips and his own fingers moved to play with Baze’s nipples in answer. Teasing touches at sensitive flesh made Baze growl in pleasure.

‘What do you want to do tonight?’ Baze asked as he moved his lips to minister underside of Chirrut’s jaw. The answer vibrated under his tongue.

‘Just fuck me, I want you inside me’ Chirrut panted. Vulgar words fired up Baze’s arousal, made his skin burn with want. He parted his mouth from Chirrut's skin and sat on heels, enjoying the view of his lover spread lewdly on blankets, flushed brigth red, breathing hard.

Baze grabbed the underside of Chirrut’s knees and pushed them to his chest, rising his hips in the air. Chirrut let out a guttural noise, half-surprised, half-amused, which turned into long moan when Baze pressed the flat of his tongue to crevice of Chirrut’s ass.

‘You filthy boy’ Chirrut groaned. Baze smiled and continued to lap at his hole and perineum. He lacked finesse Chirrut had (sometimes he wondered how the hell Chirrut could have such a _flexible_ tongue; maybe it was related to his talkativeness), but he knew exactly how Chirrut liked to be pleasured. Chirrut’s moans grew louder with every lick.

‘Stars, stop teasing!’ Chirrut whined when he felt the tongue pushing inside him. ‘Just fuck me already!’

Baze leant back and released Chirrut’s legs.

‘You’re so impatient. How are you able to sit in one place and pray for hours?’ Baze grinned, wiping his mouth with back of his hand.

Chirrut answered with scoff.

Though the chamber looked impersonal, there were few private belongings hidden on the bottom of the drawer they were in need of now. Baze reached for lube and spare cloth to clean them later. With one hand on Chirrut’s hip, he pressed two oiled fingers of the other hand inside him. They had sex every night and Chirrut barely needed any preparation. Just a minute later Baze slicked his cock and without further delay he pushed in in one, long thrust.

Chirrut’s arms wrapped around Baze’s shoulders to hug him closely, their chests touching. Baze’s hand moved down to his thigh and prompted him to hook his legs behind his back. At this angle Baze was able to give him the greatest pleasure.

They didn’t speak; they didn’t need to. The silence was broken with their pants and groans as they rocked together unhurriedly, kissing and nuzzling. The whole world shrank to the tiny chamber and the two of them.

Chirrut caught Baze’s wrist in his hand and moved it to his own aching erection, asking wordlessly for completion. Few strokes later he spilled between their chests with long breathless moan, the sound alone enough to make Baze finish soon after.

Baze carefully lifted himself to sitting, his body still shaking in aftershock, and grabbed the cloth to clean them both thoroughly. Used rag thrown in the corner, he reached for their clothes and they both put them back on. Not in a semblance of modesty; it was just coldness of stone walls of the temple. Once clothed, the men rested under blanket, entwined in a hug.

Though he was exhausted and couldn’t stop his eyelids from falling, Baze forced himself to stay awake. He listened to Chirrut’s steady breath and how it slowed down when the man fell asleep, only minutes after he nestled in Baze’s embrace. Baze remarked every twitch of sleeping body pressed tightly to his all along to get as much contact as possible. His heart fluttered painfully when Chirrut let out silent whine and clutched at his chest, afraid of losing him again even in sleep. Baze knew it was his fault alone. All he could do was to hug his lover’s body even closer and plant a kiss on his forehead until he relaxed in his sleep again. Not long after Baze felt tiredness dragging him into unconsciousness too.

_That dream again. Of course. It repeated again and again for five years, every few nights at least._

_Terrible smell of burnt flesh. Small bodies, lying in a row on the main hall’s floor, each with hole in their back. Twenty seven bodies of acolytes who were preparing to become Guardians, twenty seven children full of hope and determination to serve Whills with their best._

_Stormtoopers picked only younglings, letting the adult Guardians to live with the sight of dead disciples burned in their minds. The message was clear: you can continue your practices, but your faith will die with you._

_Chirrut stood by his side, leant heavily on his staff, eyes trained on the far wall of the hall. He surely felt the grief that settled inside the temple, but he couldn’t see the bodies. That sight didn’t haunt him for days and nights._

_Later they had a fight. Chirrut as always tried to explain everything as the embodiment of Force’s will, and Baze snapped at him, “You didn’t see them. You didn’t see what your Force did to acolytes.” Then he left his dearest friend and the next day, Temple’s most devoted Guardian had returned his robes and lightbow before he left Jedha on the board of the first shuttle leaving the moon._

_He didn’t even say goodbye to Chirrut. He left his blind companion alone, surrounded by hostile forces. Every day the troopers may have entered the temple again, this time to wipe out the remaining Guardians…_

Sudden stirring under his arm ceased the nightmare. Baze woke up covered in cold sweat to see Chirrut pushing himself away from him and scrambling at his legs, one hand wrapped around his stomach.

‘Where are you going?’ Baze mumbled with still sleepy voice, but Chirrut quickly left the room without answering.

Baze had bad feelings about this. He rose on his feet and followed Chirrut to find him two floors lower, in the bathroom. He was kneeling beside a toilet, white knuckles clutching at the rim. Lean body heaved with coughs.

‘What the hell’ Baze murmured, falling on his knees near Chirrut.

‘I felt sick. Sorry I woke you up’ Chirrut rasped, his throat still hurting.

Baze pressed the back of his hand to Chirrut’s forehead. It was cool and damp with sweat.

‘You should see the healer’ Baze stated seriously.

‘For what? It’s just a one-time incident, nothing serious’ Chirrut retorted and bent in half when his body jerked with another spasm.

‘Yeah, I can see it’s perfectly fine’ Baze grumbled.

Chirrut took a deep breath and stood up on shaky legs. Baze raised too and wrapped his arm around lover’s waist for support. Chirrut paced slowly to the sink to rinse his mouth with tap water.

‘Let’s go back to bedroom, there's still an hour or two until dawn’ Chirrut proposed.

‘Let me carry you?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous, I’m blind, not legless’ Chirrut scoffed. His first step was dangerously wobbly and despite his protest Baze hoisted him bridal-style. At this hour temple was hollow, no one to see them. Chirrut complained, and Baze kissed him to shush him until they reach the bedroom.

*          *

In six days Chirrut had thrown up four times in total. Every time Baze was by his side, heavy hand on the small of his back in reassuring gesture, but internally he ached to see his lover tormented with tremors shaking his body. When the fit ended, Baze helped Chirrut to stand up and passed him a cup of fresh water and wiped sweat droplets collected on his forehead with clean cloth.

‘Do you love me?’ Baze asked the sixth morning. He knew the answer, but he needed to trick Chirrut in doing what he wanted him to do because Chirrut was too stubborn.

‘You know I do’ Chirrut croaked. His throat burnt, irritated with often vomiting. He was white-faced, with unhealthy red blotches on cheeks. Propped heavily on the rim of sink, looked small and weak. Baze had never seen him being weak.

‘Then go to the healer. If not for yourself, do it for me. I can’t stand seeing you in this state.’

Chirrut gave him a sluggish smile.

‘You got me there. Alright, I’ll go.’

Few hours later, after morning prayer and breakfast, Baze accompanied Chirrut to the room occupied by brother Corran, the Guardian trained in healing, who helped other monks with injuries and common illnesses.

‘Do you want me to go with you?’ Baze asked.

‘I’m an adult’ Chirrut snorted. ‘I can get checked on my own. If you want  to see me naked just ask.’

‘I don’t trust you’ll tell him how ill you are, that’s all.’

Chirrut snorted once more. ‘I’ll manage. Just wait here, it won’t take long.’

He knocked on the door and entered when invited. Baze watched him disappearing behind the closed door. He leant back against the wall and closed his eyes. He tried to hear the talk coming from the room but the walls were quite soundproof. In certain situations it was very useful.

Of course he was worried. He returned to Jedha because he was fucking worried. Nearly every night in his dreams he saw dead bodies of younglings, and on others his nightmares provided him visions of his adult friends lying with holes in their chests or heads, sometimes tortured beforehand. Chirrut appeared in those dreams every time. From the most of them Baze woke up with a shout and face wet with tears. The night he dreamed of Chirrut dying in his arms, confessing his love while blood was dripping from his mouth and nose, Baze decided to fly back home. Once on the surface of the moon, he hardly ran from the spaceport toward the temple of the Kyber through streets he had nearly forgotten, noticing how NiJedha had changed in years of his absence with the corner of eye. Reaching the temple, he asked every monk he met about Chirrut; the fifth told him he was on a walk in the city and would be back soon. Baze squatted in the sanctuary’s gate, carefully watching newcomers and passing monks. He recognized many familiar faces of old friends, feeling glad they were still alive. They greeted him, one or two hugged friendly, and no one accused Baze of leaving the order at its hardest time or asked where had he been. Baze was thankful for it.

His heartbeat quickened violently when he saw tall Guardian with short dark hair and pale blue eyes, using wooden staff to check the way. Chirrut was strolling fast toward him. When he approached, Baze opened his mouth to speak, but Chirrut wordlessly grabbed his elbow and tugged him through temple’s yard without missing a beat. Baze obediently followed him, silent too.

Chirrut walked in the building and led them to staircase and then up to the tower. Baze guessed where they were going – secluded part of the temple visited by Guardians only at certain hours to call for prayer, so they ought to be alone now. They had used to isolate themselves there for intimate moments during apprenticeship.

Once in a satisfying spot, Chirrut halted abruptly and yanked Baze’s arm, whirling him so they stood facing each other. Baze studied his face, heart thobbing hard in his chest, threatening to break his ribs. His friend looked fine – no scars, no wounds, only first wrinkles in corners of eyes. His unseeing eyes still gleamed vividly as they had always done.

Chirrut’s lips parted. Baze expected them to twist in sneer, he waited for cruel words to sound. Instead, Baze saw the lower lip shaking when Chirrut finally spoke with broken whisper, ‘You’re back.’

Something inside Baze snapped. His arms moved on their own, wrapping around Chirrut to hug him close. Thud of Chirrut’s staff, let go from limp fingers, echoed loudly in empty hall. Chirrut pushed his face in the juncture of Baze’s neck and fisted the front of his suit. His soft whimper vibrated in the very core of Baze, made him shiver with relief he had longed for. He felt wetness on his neck.

‘I prayed every day to the Force to protect you’ Chirrut sobbed.

Baze moved his hands to place one on the small of Chirrut’s back and the other on the nape of his neck. Chirrut was so warm under his fingers. Alive.

‘I was scared they killed you too’ Baze admitted. ‘I…’ his voice betrayed him. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and continued, ‘I needed to check you’re alright.’

‘I love you’ Chirrut blurted out. ‘I loved you even before you left, but I was afraid to tell you. I knew you only thought of me as a friend back then, even when we…’ Chirrut sobbed again. ‘But I loved you, and I still do.’

Baze’s heart stopped beating and his lungs refused to take in another breath-

Creak of opening door interrupted recalling memories. Chirrut’s face was indifferent but tiny crease between his brows.

‘What did Corran say?’ Baze asked.

‘He isn’t sure. He told if it persists I should see a doctor from the city. He even gave me an address of one.’

Baze lowered his head pensively. ‘The next morning you’re sick I’m carrying you to doctor on my shoulder, despite you like it or not.’

Chirrut smiled wryly. ‘I haven’t told you a name nor address.’

 ‘I don’t need it. I’ll take you to the first doctor available’ Baze smirked back.

Chirrut shook his head, acknowledging Baze was right.

Chirrut excused himself to meditate for the rest of day with other Guardians. Baze was offered to join them, but he declined. He would only feel uncomfortable around praying monks as he left their community years ago and didn’t share their beliefs anymore.

Chirrut returned to his room just in the evening, looking unwell again. When asked about it, he shook his head and just sat down on the bedding Baze had prepared earlier with knees pressed to his chest. His breath was shallow, uneven. Baze sat beside him and touched his forehead to check the temperature; it was normal.

‘I’m not in pain’ Chirrut stated before Baze asked, feeling his scrutinizing gaze on him. ‘I just feel… Unsettled. As I know something’s wrong, but I don’t know what exactly yet. It may come from the Force…’

‘Bullshit’ Baze spat. Chirrut scowled at him for blasphemy. ‘You’re ill, you moron, no Force involved. You need physician and you're seeing one tomorrow. No excuses.’

Chirrut grinned tired. ‘So bossy. I don’t remember you being like this.’

Baze poked his ribs lightly, eliciting giggle from Chirrut.

‘You don’t mind no fucking tonight?’ Chirrut asked quietly, leaning back to lie flat on his back on his half of blanket. Baze promptly joined him.

‘That definitely means you’re ill’ Baze murmured half-joking. Chirrut huffed with laughter. ‘Don’t deny, we fuck every night like horny teenagers.’

‘I haven’t seen you protest’ Chirrut rolled on his side to nuzzle at a place between Baze’s collarbones. No, Baze didn’t protest against having sex. He was grateful he was allowed to stay in Chirrut’s bedroom and pleasure him at night.

_‘I love you too’ Baze said more to himself than to Chirrut. He repeated those four words like a mantra, feeling Chirrut’s lips pressed to his neck and moving in rhythm with his words._

_‘I should have never left you’ Baze admitted, breaking his invocation._

_‘I understand now’ Chirrut uncurled his fingers from fists clutching at Baze’s clothes and leant back. ‘I understood it later, when other Guardians also paid the price of being let to live. Two killed themselves. Other two lost their sanity. Some Guardians can’t look at children without crying anymore. Their grief and pain rippled in the Force for long, unbearable.’_

_Baze’s hand moved higher from neck to back of head, fingers woven in short hair. It wasn’t surprise Chirrut still abide to order’s haircut rules. Baze himself let his hair grow longer when he had left Jedha as a sign of cutting off his bonds with Guardians._

_‘Will you leave again?’ Chirrut asked so quietly it was barely audible, more felt as vibrations tingling on Baze’s skin._

_‘No. I can’t leave you anymore. I need to keep you safe’ Baze stated calmly. ‘I will stay by your side and protect you, Chirrut Îmwe. I swear with my live.’_

_He couldn’t swear to the Force in which didn’t believe anymore._

*          *

They both slept undisturbed til the morning bells rang. Chirrut left for his morning duties and met Baze later at the temple’s gate. Baze insisted on going with Chirrut this time. The doctor Corran had recommended had their practice in far part of the city, occupied by native Jedhan people exclusively. During their apprenticeship Baze and Chirrut had rarely wandered to district so far from temple. They walked unfamiliar streets at leisure pace but Baze stayed alerted, cautiously watching people around them. Yet nothing unexpected happened by the time they reached the doctor’s office located on the ground level of plain sandstone building, typical of Jedha.

They entered tiny lobby with single chair and small droid hovering in near the door. There was one more door at the other side of room, plain and black, distressing.

‘Hello. I’m May, receptionist droid. The patient may enter the office, doctor will join you in a minute’ the droid announced with clipped, mechanical voice.

‘Thank you’ Chirrut bowed his head in direction of droid and added to Baze, ‘Care to lead me?’

Baze gently grabbed his elbow and guided him through the room.

‘One patient at a time!’ the droid named May squeaked.

‘I’m his assistant. He’s blind’ Baze explained. Droid nodded in answer with short “alright”.

The sight of adjoining room dumbfounded Baze. It looked incredibly modern comparing to the rest of NiJedha, more similar to places he had seen on Core’s planets. Tiled floor, pristine low cabinets, disabled roundish medical droid resting in the corner of room and big examine table in the center.

‘You’re amazed’ Chirrut noticed. ‘How does it look?’

‘Trustworthy’ Baze replied with confidence.

Through other door than they had come in entered a small aged green-skinned humanoid female. She was wearing navy blue gown and huge thick glasses.

‘Hello, I’m doctor Yardu’ she greeted them. Seeing two men, she turned her gaze from one to another, before she asked, ‘Which one is a patient?’

‘Me’ Chirrut answered.

‘Eyes problems?’

‘Not really. I’ve been blind for twenty years.’

‘What’s the cause?’

‘I was born with very week sight. Lost it completely when I was seven.’

Yardu nodded. ‘Then what brings you to me, Guardian?’

‘My name is Chirrut Îmwe’ he introduced himself. ‘I’ve been unwell recently. I throw up and feel generally weakened, though I eat even more than usual.’

‘Any changes in diet? Or maybe you have eaten something stale?’

‘No to both.’

The doctor nodded once more, brows knitted together thoughtfully. ‘Lie on the table please’ she ordered, taking a data pad from the top of cabinet. Few swipes of finger and the droid in the corner whirred to life.

Baze put his hand between Chirrut’s shoulder blades and steered him toward the table until Chirrut was able to feel its surface under his hand. Chirrut passed him the staff and seated himself atop table.

‘Should I undress?’ he asked.

‘Clothes aren’t problem, but turning off your echo resonator would be nice.’

Chirrut promptly obliged and manipulated the box to shut it down.

Yardu turned her attention to Baze. ‘You are…?’

‘Friend’

She shook her head, clicking her tongue. She stepped closer to the table; she was barely taller than it.

‘The droid will assess you now’ she said to Chirrut. ‘It will made a lot of weird noises. Try to lie still, okay?’

Another swipe of doctor’s finger and droid flied up in the air and glided above the patient. Starting from his head, robot slowly moved down toward legs giving off series of high-pitched beeps. When assessment was complete, droid hovered back to the corner and sat down on the floor before it turned off again. The results appeared on Yardu’s pad. She scanned the data, her brows pinched so it was a single line on her forehead. At one moment she raised the tablet sharply, keeping it so close to her face her nose nearly touched the screen. She looked at Chirrut, then back on the pad.

‘Well, that’s unusual’ she said at last, lowering the pad.

Spikes of fear crept along Baze’s spine. He came closer to the table and discreetly entwined his fingers with Chirrut’s, preparing himself for the worst.

‘What is it?’ Chirrut asked, his voice low and slightly trembling and stare trained on the ceiling.

‘You’re pregnant, mr. Îmwe.’

‘What?!’ Baze chocked on the word.

‘Pregnant. He’s carrying a baby. According to its size, it’s ten weeks old.’

‘He’s a man, he can’t…’

Yardu raised her tiny hand to silence him. Baze shut his mouth, still looking at the doctor in disbelief.

‘There’s a genetic mutation that allows human males to conceive and carry a child, though it’s very, very rare’ she explained. ‘For all years I cure humans, non-humans and everyone else, I’ve seen only one male pregnancy before, fifty years ago, on Chandrila. No wonder you had no idea it’s even possible.’

Baze looked at Chirrut still lying flat on the table. Guardian was silent and still, oddly resigned, face terribly white.

‘I know, it sounds completely ridiculous’ Yardu let out a very heavy sigh. She shook her head and turned the pad so Baze could see the screen. ‘This is the fetus inside your friend’s body.’

Baze only saw a white object of size and shape of bean, floating on grey-black setting.

‘Here-’ Yardu pointed darker dot on one end of white shape, ‘is an eye. Those appendages-’ she poked at barely recognizable protrusions, ‘will develop into limbs. And here-‘ she swiped the screen and the blotch turned slightly, revealing another light grey dot in the center, ‘it’s its heart. It already beats for few weeks.’

 _No. No, no, no. It’s impossible._ The words rang in loop inside Baze’s head.

‘Baze’ Chirrut’s whisper hardly breached through the numbness that settled in his mind, his fingers weakly squeezing Baze’s digits. ‘She’s right. I can feel it now. My anxiety, the disturbances in the Force I’ve sensed… It all makes sense now.'

Yardu reached out her hand and patted Baze’s one. The size difference was ludicrous.

‘Are you the other father?’ she asked Baze with a crooked smile. He confirmed with a shaky sigh.

‘Oh boys’ Yardu sighed too. She stepped back and pulled a tall stool from behind one of the cabinet close to examine table and sat sluggishly on it. ‘No wonder you missed the symptoms. Morning sickness is common among pregnant women. You’ve never dealt with any pregnant woman, huh?’

She gave Baze another twisted smile when he uncertainly shook his head.

‘Oi, Chirrut’ Yardu turned to the other man. ‘Are you still with us? If it’s a problem, I can perform an aborti…’

‘No’ Chirrut growled unexpectedly, making Baze jump. The doctor nodded in confirmation.

‘I see. Then I need to give you a lecture about pregnancy, as you seem to lack basic knowledge.’

For over an hour she talked about the course of pregnancy and what one should and what shouldn’t do during upcoming months. For all that time Chirrut was lying with unfocused gaze, his fingers moving to lightly massage Baze’s hand. Baze on the other hand propped his other arm on the table, doing his best not to quiver. Chirrut’s fingertips kneading at the flesh of his hand soothed him a bit, but it was not enough to calm him down. It all seemed so impossible, yet what the doctor had said sounded rational.

Chirrut was bearing their child.

He wanted to give birth to it.

Baze’s breath quickened dangerously, black spots starting to dance in front of his eyes.

‘No hyperventilating allowed’ Yardu told sharply and jumped off from her stool. ‘Eyes on me. Breath in and out when I tell you to.’

Baze complied with her orders, working on his inhales to slow them down. Chirrut’s fingers moved to his wrist and pressed to the underside, right on the veins. Only then Baze realized how rapid his pulse was.

‘Sorry’ he murmured when he came back to himself.

‘Being father can be overwhelming’ Yardu agreed calmly and returned to her seat. ‘You’re lucky you came to me. I may be the only person on Jedha who have witnessed the case of male pregnancy. I’ll take care of you well, Chirrut.’

‘Thank you’ he spoke finally.

‘Come to me if anything happens, any time of the day. My flat is above the office, just inform May you need to see me and she’ll call me. But you also need to prepare for hardships I mentioned, some of them just cannot be skipped. If you…’

‘No’ Chirrut cut her off before she finished the sentence.

‘One more thing then’ Yardu stood up and rummaged in one of cabinets until she found a bottle of small pills. She threw it to Chirrut who caught it without problem. ‘For morning sickness. Take one after evening meal.’

‘About the payment…’ Baze started but she silenced him with a wave of hand.

‘Go buy him some fresh fruits. He needs them more than I need your credits’ she smiled at them. ‘Buy them here, stalls closer to temples sell shit for foreigners. Remember to stick to diet. If nothing occurs, come back in three weeks. Good luck, boys.’

She left the room through the same door she had come in, leaving them alone in the office.

Chirrut finally lifted himself to sitting position before he lowered his feet on the floor. Baze immediately wrapped his arm around his waist for support but Chirrut stood firmly, no sign of weakness. It didn’t stopped Baze from embracing his lover.

‘I still can’t believe’ Chirrut whispered right into Baze’s ear. ‘A baby. Our baby.’

Baze pinched his eyes shut. He was on the verge of next panic attack. He focused on his breaths, holding air in lungs for long seconds until they burned.

Baze felt fingers woven in his long hair.

‘I’m scared too’ Chirrut confessed, his voice not as steady as wanted it to be.

‘Fuck, sorry’ Baze murmured and cocked his head to peck Chirrut’s forehead. ‘Of course you’re scared, it’s me to give you support, not the other way round…’

‘No one can be strong for all the time’ Chirrut gave him a tender smile. After a second, he added surely, ‘Its existence is the will of the Force. We won’t let anyone harm our child.’

His words stoke embers in Baze’s heart into a true flame that burned down all the doubts and fears. Chirrut and their baby needed him. And he would protect them at all cost.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Change of plans. This chapter turned out much longer than I expected. Adding utter lack of time for writing I’d finish it by July at best, so I decided to divide it into two parts.
> 
> Again, great thanks to Looonia16 ^_^

On the way back to the Temple, they walked close to each other, their shoulders brushing. They both stayed silent, sunken deeply in their own minds, thinking of numerous problems waiting ahead that had appeared once the initial shock and happiness for the news wore off.

At the sanctuary Chirrut pulled Baze in direction of small inner yard, where they sat on single stone bench under low tree with twisted bark, alone. For few long minutes they just sat quiet with their fingers woven together. Baze was the first to speak at last.

‘We can’t stay in temple.’

Chirrut’s answer, an angry scoff, was immediate.

‘It’s the safest place for us three!’ he rebutted. ‘Guardians are friends, you know they don’t ask any questions, and they won’t tell a word about me-’

‘But they are already a target of Imperials!’ Baze snapped back and drew in few breaths to calm himself down. ‘Chirrut, I don’t doubt Guardians’ allegiance. But if troopers enter the Temple again…’ He shut his eyes and shook head to get rid of terrible images he had seen in nightmares and which reappeared now. ‘I’m sorry, but if they come for Guardians you wouldn’t be able to do anything for them. More, they could kill you too, or… If they discovered you’re a medical phenomenon…’ Now he definitely didn’t want to see imagines of what would happen if pregnant Chirrut got kidnapped by Imperials.

Beside him Chirrut sighed heavily and squeezed his palm a little too tight. Bite of pain grounded Baze and helped him to regain focus.

‘I can’t disagree with what you said’ Chirrut whispered. He seemed calm but his fingers kneaded nervously at Baze’s hand. ‘They’re my sisters and brothers. I can’t leave them…’

‘You’re all warriors. They’re perfectly able to protect themselves. Anyway, you can’t fight in your current state. You need to take care of yourself and baby foremost’ Baze was aware the last sentence was a sucker punch, but he hoped it would hit Chirrut’s soft spot and finally push him to be more careful about himself.

With another sigh Chirrut sat back, took his hand away from Baze to lay it on his lower belly.

‘So where do you want us to move in for next half of year?’ he asked with not so hidden irritation.

‘I’d opt for leaving the city and finding deserted building on outskirts, but it won’t work for long. It’d be too far from doctor if anything happened. And we need money. I must find a job soon, and leaving you alone, so far from city…’ Baze swallowed a lump that started to grow in his throat. ‘The third possibility is to find a flat somewhere far from the Temple. We’ll live surrounded by native Jedhans who don’t love Empire and won’t betray us. You’ll be close to Yardu and maybe I’ll get some job there, so I’ll be close to you too. I still have some savings, and we need to hurry, as according to Yardu’s words your… pregnancy-’ Baze stammered at this word ‘-will soon be visible.’

Chirrut nodded. ‘The last one sounds the best.’

 Baze allowed himself to peck at Chirrut’s cheek and stood up.

‘We have no time to lose. I’m going to search for a room’ he announced. ‘Please stay in temple and don’t engage in anything dangerous.’

‘Yes Mom’ Chirrut grinned. ‘I’ll eat my supper and go to bed early.’

‘And don’t forget your pills.’

Chirrut snorted and rolled his eyes.

*          *

They met just in late dusk, long past evening bells. Baze was welcomed with a sight of Chirrut sitting on bedding, bouncing his foot.

‘How is it going?’ Guardian asked.

‘Nothing yet’ Baze grumbled in reply. He took off his tarp coat and throw it in the corner. ‘And you, have you behaved yourself?’

Chirrut snorted and pushed himself to standing. ‘Yes Mom. I spent few hours meditating, surrounded by six armed Guardians.’

Baze relaxed hearing those words, if only a little. He could only hope Chirrut would hold back his temper and not create hazardous situation with Imperials.

‘Baze…’ Chirrut came closer until they chests touched and pushed forward til Baze’s back met stone wall.

‘I missed you, love.’ His lips pressed a feather-light kiss to Baze’s cheek. Baze tried to wriggle himself away but Chirrut grabbed his wrists and pinned them to the wall at the sides of his head.

‘I don’t know if it’s a good idea…’ Baze started but Chirrut cut him off with low voice.

‘I need you now.’

‘But the baby…’

‘You remember what Yardu said?’

_‘Any questions?’ she asked, her gaze switching from Baze to Chirrut and back. When none of them said anything, she added, ‘You’re probably too embarrassed to ask, but yes, you can have sex during pregnancy, unless there’s additional pain or any bleeding. Just be gentle, nothing rough.’_

Even with doctor’s approval, Baze still felt uncomfortable about fucking him.

‘Please’ Chirrut sobbed, propping his forehead in the crook of Baze’s neck. His whole body shook. ‘Baze, please, I need to know you’re with me. I’m so damn scared. Scared of what’s going on with my body. Scared that the baby will inherit my seeing problem. How we will get through next months safely. That all of taking care will fall on you because I won’t be able to help you, that I’ll be a burden…’

_Not stopping for a single beat, Yardu tapped silently at the screen of her pad, still talking about child’s growth rate. She raised the pad and turned it toward Baze so he could see the screen. There was a typed message saying: “He will need you. You must provide him every kind of support he needs”. He nodded in acknowledgement, staring right into woman’s eyes, bizarrely big behind thick glasses._

Chirrut wasn’t holding Baze with much strength and the other man had no problem with releasing his wrists. Baze embraced Chirrut tightly, immobilizing terribly trembling body of his lover. With fingertips under his chin he lifted Chirrut’s head and kissed each of his cheeks stained with salty taints of tears.

‘I’m with you, beloved’ Baze whispered into Chirrut’s lips. ‘Fear nothing, because I’ll be by your side and help you with anything. You have never been and will never be a burden, Chirrut. The Force will guide you – _us_ \- through this.’

Chirrut sobbed and let Baze hold him and kiss his face and neck and top of shoulder, every spot in reach. He let Baze lay him down on the bedding and wrapped himself around him at once, clinging desperately to the heat of his body.

‘I’m sorry. I’m awful’ Chirrut mumbled, his words barely recognizable with his face pressed to Baze’s chest.

Baze planted a kiss on the top of his head, stroking his short hair languidly and hugging him close with other arm.

‘You’re not awful. Just panicking a little’ he cooed and kissed him again. ‘No need to be scared. We will… We will make through everything. Find a tiny cozy flat in safe neighborhood, away from troopers. I find a well-paid job. Pregnancy will go all well and the baby will be fine and healthy.’ One more kiss to Chirrut’s temple. He wasn’t so sure of things he said, but Chirrut needed to hear them spoken out loud. He kept his voice low and steady, as comforting as possible.

Chirrut huffed and wiped his eyes dry with palm.

‘You never mentioned blindness runs in your family’ Baze risked raising the topic.

‘I suppose it must be something that can be passed to children. My mother's brother and aunt have both lost their sight in childhood, just like me. I was barely seeing after birth, so my parents were preparing me for permanent loss of sight soon. I haven't been taken to doctor, because even if a cure for my illness existed, parents probably wouldn't afford it.’

Baze tightened his hug for reassurance. ‘I’m sure our baby will be fine.’

‘Baze, is it really you? Baze I know has never been such an optimist!’

Baze silenced him with a kiss pressed to his lips.

‘Do you still want to...?’ Baze asked hesitantly. In answer Chirrut glued himself to him with a whimper.

‘Yes. Please.’

Baze freed his right hand from under Chirrut's arm and pushed it inside the front of his pants, found him still half-hard. He wrapped his fingers around his cock and began to stroke him with slow, deliberate moves, just like Chirrut liked. It was a strange déjà vu; Baze felt like a teenage apprentice again, when he used to sneak into Chirrut's bedchamber in the middle of night seeking for new experiences and relief of body's urges.

Chirrut mewled into his neck. Baze worked him unhurriedly, focused on giving him maximal pleasure. Chirrut steadily slackened in his embrace, letting out warms puffs of air tickling Baze's skin. Chirrut arched his back when he was close and Baze shuffled the other hand and cupped it to catch come before it stained their clothes, still stroking him through release. He kissed Chirrut in the corner of open in labored pants mouth and pushed himself up to clean his hands with spare rag.

‘Your turn' Chirrut murmured with weary voice when Baze returned to bedding and tucked himself around Chirrut.

‘No need to. I'm not in the mood' Baze replied with gentle whisper. Chirrut wanted to add something but Baze kissed his forehead to shush him. ‘Sleep, love. Rest properly for the both of you.’

Chirrut scoffed and arranged himself more comfortably. Just few beats later he fell asleep. Baze gave his forehead one more final peck and let his eyelids fall shut too.

*          *

Chirrut was practicing basic zama-shiwo stances on training yard, the place long abandoned since Guardians had lost their acolytes. He felt Baze approaching; first he sensed his beloved's aura drawing near the Temple, and later heard characteristic clangs of Baze's armor getting louder as the man was closer and closer. Baze strolled fast, hardly ran. Something had happened.

‘Hello Baze' Chirrut greeted him dropping kata and stepped forward to meet Baze halfway. He didn't expect Baze to haul him off his feet in enthusiastic hug and yelped at the loss of contact with ground.

‘Sorry...' Baze carefully eased him down. ‘Did I pressed too tight?’

‘I’m fine, I just wasn't prepared for this' Chirrut smiled at him. ‘What’s the matter?’

‘I found us a flat!’

He couldn't see Baze, but Chirrut sensed he was glowing with happiness, his aura as bright as Jedha's sun as he had memorized it.

‘It’s in the other side of town, far from Temple, about twenty minutes of walk from Yardu. Just like we wanted!’

Chirrut lifted his hand and gently cupped his face, thumb caressing curved scar around left eye.

‘Oh Baze, it's a wonderful news!’

Again, Chirrut wasn't prepared for kiss pressed to his forehead with loud smack. Baze was always so reluctant to demonstrate their affection in public, especially in the Temple around other Guardians.

‘We can move in even tomorrow. My savings are enough for first month rent, and when we settle down and I'll be sure you're comfortable around house I'll get a job, as close to you as possible...’

This time it was Chirrut to stop him with a kiss.

‘Calm down, dear.’

‘Sorry. I got a bit overexcited’ Baze muttered embarrassed. Chirrut gave him a forgiving smile. Baze was so stoic, seldom showing any emotions at all, it was good he finally show his feelings. ‘I didn’t even dare to hope to find something so suiting, and in less than two weeks.

Chirrut pecked at his cheek. ‘I’m so proud.’

‘Now it’s your turn.’

Guardian took a step back taking away his hand. His mood shifted slightly toward seriousness.

‘Let’s make up the story first.’

*          *

Chirrut knocked twice and entered the room after muffled “Come in”. Master Torlon was sitting behind his desk in the middle of the room. On Chirrut’s left was a wall with windows; at least one was open and let Jedha’s chilly wind in. He stepped in until he was only centimeters away from the desk.

Chirrut had seen master Torlon years ago, when he had first come to the Temple, short before he had lost his sight. He remembered him as tall, sturdy man, very proficient in fight, with short brown hair already graying at temples. Chirrut imagined he was now completely white-haired and wrinkled, but for sure his back was still as straight as twenty years ago. Back then Torlon was zama-shiwo teacher; few years later, after master Tsugi‘s retirement, he was promoted to the head of the order. He was leading Guardians when five years ago Empire breached the gate of temple and slaughtered their apprentices. He still radiated with grief and sorrow, but he continued to maintain the Temple and order successfully.

‘Brother Chirrut’ the other Guardian greeted him warmly. ‘To what I owe the pleasure?’

Chirrut schooled his features. Torlon always gave him an impression of the man able to see through every lie, but Chirrut was even better at it. Lacking vision, he learnt to hear every hint of untruth in people’s voice and to avoid their mistakes when hiding his own intentions.

‘The Force calls me for a journey. I need to leave the Temple for some time.’

A tiniest huff, perhaps a squint Chirrut was unable to note.

‘You are going to leave us like he did, huh?’

Chirrut expected this question. He had prepared the answer earlier; this time he was telling the truth.

‘No.’

‘But your leave is connected to his return.’

It sounded more like statement than question. Chirrut prepared for it incoming too.

‘Yes. Baze’s return has turned many tables. I need to meditate over a lot of things.’

Torlon sighed. ‘Good to hear that. It was a hard blow to lose the most devoted Guardian. I don’t wish to lose his successor too.’

Chirrut’s lips twitched in a smile. ‘I’m returning, master. Though it’s going to take some time.’

‘The Temple will welcome you back any time, Chirrut. Just like we let Malbus to shelter here.’

 _Malbus_. Guardians didn’t usually use their last name, as becoming Guardian they were abandoning their origins. Torlon stressed out the fact Baze wasn’t part of the order anymore on purpose. Chirrut knew why; he had sensed Torlon’s heartbreak when Baze had left in anger and bitterness. Torlon would never admit it, but he loved Baze like his own son, and it was why he…

Sharp noise of something metal thrown on the desk startled Chirrut and stopped his musing abruptly.

‘Take it’ Torlon ordered.

Chirrut extended his hand and found a leather sack with fistful of small jingling items. Credits. Lots of.

‘Something tells me wherever the Force wants you to go, you’ll need it’ Torlon said.

‘I can’t take it’ Chirrut protested. ‘It’s… It’s too much. The Temple needs it.’

‘Don’t worry. Lucky for us, Empire haven’t banned pilgrimages to our temple. And off-world pilgrims are generous.’

Chirrut didn’t complain any more. He gathered the pouch and hid it inside trousers’ pocket. A screech of chair pushed back and soft steps around the desk, incredibly quiet for such a well-built man. A hand was laid on Chirrut’s shoulder and squeezed it.

‘May the Force of others be with you, brother Chirrut.’

‘And with you, master Torlon.’

Chirrut bowed his head, little lower than required, and left the room.

*          *

‘How has he received it?’ Baze slowly stroked his hand up and down Chirrut’s arm.

‘Surprisingly good. He must have thought I want to leave with you forever. He actually seemed relieved to hear it’s not my intention.’

Baze huffed. ‘Have you told him it will take at least half a year?’

‘No. But he knows I’ll return.’

The wind continuously blew for whole day and night, forcing itself through every hole and filling the room with chilling draught. Chirrut pressed himself closer to Baze’s naked chest, warm like a furnace full of glowing coals. In answer Baze kissed his forehead.

‘Talk to me Baze.’

‘About what? What do you want to listen about?’

‘Anything. What did you say to landlord?’

‘That I and my pregnant wife must leave our current flat and we need place as soon as possible.’

‘Wife’ Chirrut echoed thoughtfully. ‘You think I’ll pass as a woman? That no one will notice I’m a man, even if I’m bearing a child?’

Baze let out heavy sigh. ‘I really don’t know how this is going to work. Isn’t it you to say “Force will guide us” our something like this?’

Chirrut grinned to his breastbone. ‘It is. I’m glad Jedhan women wears trousers or multilayered robes that hides their silhouette.’

‘Pity. I’d buy you the prettiest clothes’ Baze laughed.

‘What for? I couldn’t see them either.’

‘Not pretty in that way, I wouldn’t afford it. I’d buy you a robe from the finest wool, comfortable and pleasant in touch, to keep you warm while I’m away…’

Chirrut turned his head and pressed his ear to Baze’s chest, listening how words rumbled in its depth, muting the wind howling outside.

*          *

Baze insisted on walking slowly to give Chirrut time to memorize the grid of streets he had never walked before.

‘I’m fast learner. I’m used to acknowledging unknown surroundings’ Chirrut complained in answer, but he made no move to quicken the pace. He strolled leisurely by his beloved with a hand looped around Baze’s arm. With aching heart Chirrut had left his Guardian’s robes and put on civil garbs Baze had bought for him a day before. The most outer one was plain, oversized and genderless, with wide hood Baze had pulled over his head.

‘To hide your hair’ he explained.

Even having his robes and lightbow left behind, Chirrut would never get rid of his staff he was currently using to check the way.

‘We’re there’ Baze leant in and whispered to Chirrut’s ear.

‘Describe it to me, please.’

‘Erm, plain stone façade, like everywhere in NiJedha. It’s three floors high. Main door is open for the most of day. Door to each flat is opened with number code the landlord will provide us. There’s a backyard too, I’ll show you how to get there later.’

‘Thank you’ Chirrut tipped on toes and kissed his cheek. ‘You’re perfect as my eyes. Shall we come in?’

‘Yeah. Opened door is three steps forward. Then the hall – two steps wide, six steps long. In the end, left side, is staircase. Twelve steps. One step to the left, one forward and you stand right in front of our door’ Baze murmured hints as Chirrut tapped the way.

On the first floor awaited a man, middle aged, bearded, mediocre.

‘Good morning, mrs and mr Malbus. I’m Tir Kovano, the owner’ he greeted them. He shook Baze’s hand and turned toward Chirrut. His hand jerked when he noticed the other man was blind.

To spare him confusion, Chirrut nodded his head. ‘Nice to meet you, mr Kovano.’

Kovano tapped the security code on the screen installed in the wall by the door and stepped aside to let Baze and Chirut in when it opened.

The flat looked just like Baze had described it to Chirrut previous night – sparsely furnished cramped living room with tiny kitchenette in the corner, bed fitted in alcove and hidden behind a plain curtain hanging from the ceiling, and a door to small bathroom. Hardly anything more than empty space bordered with four walls and ceiling; for Chirrut and Baze it was perfect.

Chirrut cautiously walked forward and stopped in the middle of the room, leant against his staff, head bowed. Baze watched him with the corner of the eye while he was finishing the deal with Kovano. Eventually he pressed his thumb under their contract on Kovano’s pad and exchanged sack of credits for door code.

‘My pleasure. I hope your stay will be peaceful’ Kovano smiled friendly, though he still glanced warily at Chirrut. He pointed at the box on kitchenette’s countertop. ‘You mentioned you don’t have much belongings, my wife and I found some spare everyday items. We hope they help you.’

Baze felt gratitude blooming warm in his chest. How could he doubt in Jedhan people’s good will?

‘I have no words to thank you. Although, do you happen to know anyone looking for worker? I need a job’ a question suddenly came to Baze’s mind.

‘Actually, my friend needs a labourer in his warehouse. Is it suitable for you?’

‘Perfect. I can start in a day or two’ Baze pointed with his head at Chirrut, who was still meditating in the center.

‘I’ll say a word to him and let you know of his answer.’

Kovano shook Baze’s hand once more, exchanged verbal goodbyes with Chirrut and left the men alone.

Baze finally dropped the bag of their belongings on the floor with a loud clatter.

‘I’m pretty sure he thinks you’re weird’ he sighed.

‘I’m pregnant man, of course I’m weird’ Chirrut lifted his head with a smile. ‘This house is full of good Force. It has chosen it for us.’

‘I’m happy. It’d be a shame if we needed to look for something else because the Force doesn’t like it’ Baze teased. He walked to stand behind Chirrut and wrapped his arms around Guardian’s slim frame. ‘Welcome home, love.’

Chirrut cocked his head to kiss him.

‘Being mrs Malbus is the best part” he whispered back.

*          *

_‘Brother Baze.’_

_Baze was standing straight and tense. He had no idea why Master Torlon had called for him. He didn’t remember doing anything to earn master’s scolding (excluding yesterday’s midday making out with Chirrut in their usual place in the tower; but he’s sure no one had seen them.)_

_‘Master.’_

_Torlon sat back in his chair, his gaze gliding from the very top of Baze’s head to the tip of his toes. Scrutinizing glare made him feel naked and vulnerable, even though Baze, barely into adulthood, was already taller and bigger than Torlon._

_‘Master Duna resigned from teaching zama-shiwo to younglings. I want you to take her place.’_

_Baze jerked involuntarily, traitorous flush painting his cheeks red._

_‘Master, I earned the title of Guardian only half a year ago. There are many older Guardians…’ he stammered. Torlon silenced him with hand._

_‘I’m aware there are more skilled and experienced Guardians. Yet I’ve chosen you because I find you the most suitable candidate despite your age, Baze.’_

_Baze lowered his chin, clenching his fists not to cover his face with them. He was just a beginner, and Torlon wanted him to change respected and experienced master Duna in teaching the youngest apprentices. He hadn’t even been the most skilled zama-shiwo user; Chirrut, for example, was better than him, and he was already lecturing children about the Force. The promotion wasn’t about his skills in fighting or teaching; it was about the trust master had offered someone so young, and it made Baze blush so hard._

_‘The Force wants you to take care of younglings, Baze’ Torlon stated as if this single fact was enough to grant him the teacher title._

_Baze knew the Force, had felt it moving around like a spirit, barely noticed with a corner of the eye, but was sure of its existence – even if he wasn’t sensing it like Chirrut did, for whom the Force was just another sense guiding him through the world he couldn’t see anymore._

_Torlon was there where Chirrut wasn’t. During all those years Chirrut had taught Baze lots of things, but it was Torlon to show him katas for the first time, to teach him how to reign the anger no one – even Baze – knew was residing on the bottom of his heart. Torlon guided him in the most grim days, when Baze didn’t know who was he anymore, where was he going in his life and what were the emotions he felt but couldn’t even name. More than zama-shiwo, Torlon had taught Baze to live. Now he offered Baze one more lesson._

_‘I’m honored, master’ Baze bent in much deeper bow than necessary._

_Torlon gave him a warm smile. ‘You’re starting tomorrow after second bells.’_

_Baze bent his neck once more. He needed to prepare for the lesson, and that meant no staying late with Chirrut that night._

_The twisting feeling in his guts when eight tiny asking faces met him in the training halls next morning. Oh Force, his cheeks burnt for the whole lesson, he was so embarrassed, with every tiniest mistake he made earning him giggles of new apprentices. But (with Chirrut's help of course) he quickly learnt how to work with those children. And rapidly gained their respect, and later love. They even began to come to him with personal problems, like he was their older brother. He consoled Aren when the boy was crying on his lap, missing his parents. He gave Hira advices when she confessed him there’s a certain boy._

_Stormtroopers ushered children to stand in a row against the main hall’s wall. Mana’s round face, stained with two trails of dried tears, eyes round and mouth agape seeing soldiers raising their guns, too young to know what a firing squad is…_

Baze woke up with a shout.

‘Darling?’

Chirrut’s voice was still hoarse after evening love-making session. He had been unusually vocal, moaning like never before, making Baze realize they had never fucked outside the Temple. He was also pretty sure he would meet meaningful smiles from their new neighbors the next day. He believed new place and tiresome evening would let him sleep peacefully. It seemed he was wrong.

Back of Chirrut’s hand hesitantly stroked his naked bicep. Chirrut watched him warily, brows arched asking. Baze flopped back on thin pillow and rubbed face with hands. He let his lover tug at his arm and roll him so they were lying facing each other. Chirrut said nothing more, just combed his fingers through Baze’s mane with one hand, cradling back of his head with other. Baze rested his forehead on his chest. He cried with no tears; his body spasmed with emotions, but his eyes stayed dry. His hand wandered to Chirrut’s lower belly and pressed there, wishing to feel new life growing there, life he had partially created.

‘Baze’ he heard soft whisper. ‘It won’t happen again. You will protect them. No one will hurt us anymore.’

Baze’s lips brushed against the skin of Chirrut’s arm. There were crescent angry purple marks here and there. Baze shouldn’t have let Chirrut encourage him to bite that hard, yet he enjoyed it so much Baze couldn’t really refuse him. It came to Baze Chirrut might have never tried certain things before because of other Guardians being around and seeing him shirtless.

‘The Force will guide us through this safely.’

Baze snorted. He had no energy to quarrel about Force’s will now.

*          *

Kovano dropped by two days later bringing good news.

‘Sao is willing to give you a job’ he said.

Baze thanked him, feeling Chirrut’s hand squeezing his wrist.

‘You start tomorrow. Be there an hour before dawn’ Kovano added and gave him guides to find the warehouse.

The anxiety still clawed at the bottom of Baze’s stomach, even though Chirrut constantly ensured him he would behave himself, not go for walk far from house and not do anything hazardous. It required lots of whispers and tender touches to eventually convince Baze that Chirrut could be left alone for few hours.

Baze woke up in the dead of night. With throbbing heart he left the bed with Chirrut sleeping peacefully in it, planting goodbye kiss before. Following the leads from Kovano he reached the warehouse without any problem. Sao, tall tan-skinned Zabrak, asked him few questions, then nodded in direction of other workers, meaning "You’re in. Get on with work”.

It was a food supplies magazine, mostly sacks of grains and flour, delivered by farmers from outside NiJedha to the city every morning. As Jedha wasn’t much developed technologically, most of unloading and shifting the cargo must have been done by animal or human muscle power. For the most of day Baze carried heavy sacks from transporters to store on his shoulders along four other workers – three humans and Sullustan. He frequently felt Sao’s careful gaze on him, but he did nothing to earn boss’ distrust. At the end of workday, long past noon, Sao nodded with approval and told Baze to come back the next day.

Chirrut was busy with cutting vegetables they had bought the other day when Baze returned home. Baze laid down bag of fresh groceries on the countertop, watching precise moves of knife in Chirrut’s hand.

‘Why are you smiling?’ Guardian asked when Baze kissed his cheek.

‘I remember our shared kitchen duty. I was sure whole work will be on me because you wouldn’t be able to handle anything sharp. And yet, years after, you still have full set of fingers.’

Chirrut grinned.

Baze told him about his day, observing how Chirrut was preparing meal on frying pan without a hint of hesitance. Chirrut asked a lot of questions: about his boss, coworkers, delivers and what had he seen in the city en route from warehouse.

‘How about you?’ Baze asked, helping with serving the food on plates.

‘I’ve befriended with neighbors.’ Chirrut paused, and when Baze said nothing he continued: ‘It turned out many women spend dayhours on the courtyard. I joined them and after I introduced myself I was thoroughly questioned.’

Baze felt cold at once, even though Chirrut was smiling playfully, fishing for food bits on his plate with fork.

‘And what did you say?’

‘The truth is the best.’

Fork fell from Baze’s limp fingers on the table with loud clang.

‘You didn’t.’

‘I did. They’ve already heard gossip I’m pregnant. I insisted on being man. They agreed, sounding not quite convinced, but understanding and caring. I suppose they think I’m a transman still able to conceive and carry a baby, local oddity but completely harmless. They’re all mothers themselves, offered a lot of advises about pregnancy and raising children.’

Baze gripped the edge of table hard while listening. He had left Chirrut for less than day and he had fucked up everything.

Slender fingers found his across the table and stroke his knuckles soothingly.

‘Worry not, love. They really don’t mind me. I heard it in their voices, we’re accepted in this community. Woman’s intuition is incredible and I’m sure they sensed we’ve ran away from danger and need to hide here. Me being blind is another advantage to gain their trust and sympathy. I already feel like I’ve earned seven mothers.’

Baze snorted. ‘You’d better be right, Chirrut. I trust your opinion on people. I only hope you haven’t assess those women wrong.’

‘Trust the Force. Or at least trust me.’

Baze raised their hands and kissed Chirrut’s fingers.

*          *

Baze was stomping quickly, towing through dense afternoon crowd; his bulky body was currently very useful advantage. He was already late; he was to meet with Chirrut at Yardu’s office but he must have overstayed to finish unloading today’s transport, bigger than usual.

He stormed into empty lounge, Chirrut nowhere to be seen. He noticed May in her usual place by the door.

‘Yardu’s busy?’ Baze asked the droid.

‘Your friend is inside, currently being checked. Doctor says examination is not meant for fathers and asks you to wait until she calls you’ robot replied.

Baze grunted and dropped on the lone chair. He was good in waiting, but now he itched to barge inside the exam room. He couldn’t hear any sound from adjacent room and it only increased his anxiety. He rubbed nervously at his palms. At some point an elder woman went in but seeing Baze she abruptly turned at her heels and fled. Baze didn’t even feel sorry for scaring her with scowl.

The door to office opened and Yardu’s head poked from behind it.

‘Baze, good to see you! Come join us!’ she smiled cheerfully.

Baze sprang on his feet and passed her by to enter.

Chirrut was sitting on the exam table bouncing his foot. A small white gauze square was taped to his inner elbow, apart from it he looked fine.

‘Hello love’ Chirrut gave him a warm smile.

‘So, how is he? Them’ Baze corrected himself, looking at Yardu.

‘Everything is perfectly fine’ Yardu confirmed. ‘The baby grows healthy and properly, and Chirrut is fine too. You take care of him well.’

The doctor stood by him with inseparable data pad in her hands. On the screen was familiar white bean, bigger and less shapeless than previously.

‘That’s your baby.’

Wetness prickled in the corner of Baze’s eyes. He turned his sight to smiling Chirrut and back to screen. He blinked few times to chase the tears away.

‘I need to check your blood too. Chirrut, honey, we will be in adjoining office for few minutes’ Yardu wrapped spider-like fingers around Baze’s forearm and tugged him toward the door she always came in. The room was more a storeroom than office of any sense – narrow room was full of shelves with boxes and equipment.

‘Sorry for the place, but Chirrut’s got terribly good hearing. What are you waiting for? Roll up sleeve’ she urged Baze and busied herself with searching for required items in unlabeled boxes. ‘And sit down.’

Baze complied with orders and sat on the floor.

‘What didn’t he tell me?’ she asked as she was preparing his inner elbow. ‘You work physically?’ she added, tapping at the veins visible under the skin.

‘How do you know?’ Baze finished with hiss when the needle broke skin. ‘And what do you mean, what he hasn’t told you?’

‘He said he sleeps a lot, doesn’t strain himself and eats as instructed, and that morning sickness backed down. What did he missed? Any pain, weakness?’

Baze thought over the question for a while.

‘He had few emotional breakdowns and well, he’s turned on more often.’ Tips of his ears felt a little hotter. Yardu knew they had sex, Chirrut was pregnant after all, but it was still awkward to say it out loud to her.

Yardu waved her hand. ‘That’s nothing bad. Good to hear that. His case is really unpredictable. I need to be up to date if anything happens.’

‘Why do you even need my blood?’

‘For your blood group, foremost. And by the way I’ll check your state. Here, press it tightly for few minutes’ she passed him a piece of gauze. ‘Let’s come back to him.’

Baze pushed himself up and followed Yardu back to the main exam room. He stood by the table taking hold of Chirrut’s hand. Chirrut turned his head, his eyes gleaming with happiness.

‘So. For now, everything looks good’ Yardu announced. ‘Rules remain – the diet, no exertion, only gentle making out. If nothing occurs, next visit is in, let’s say, another three-four weeks. I must keep my eye on you.’

*          *

Days and weeks blurred into one string of repeating routines: Baze woke up before the sun rose, worked, returned to Chirrut and they spent evening together – having a walk, shopping, talking or just cuddling together in bed in silence. The only sign of passing time was Chirrut’s growing belly, already quite prominent and bigger than typical for fifth month. It disturbed Yardu only a little but she needed twenty minutes to convince Baze it’s nothing to worry about. The bump quickly became visible beneath Chirrut’s robes, now tight-fitting; he gained interest of neighbors and left him for their constant gossips and stories that not so seldom left him with goosebump after listening about horrors of labour.

‘Chirrut?’ voice of Baze coming home jerked Guardian away from his musings. Chirrut raised from cross-legged position on bed and greeted him with a kiss, looping arms around lover’s neck.

‘We’ve got a cradle’ Chirrut whispered into his ear. ‘Gathe, she lives in another block, said they have a spare one and can lend it to us.’

Cold fingers gripped at Baze’s heart. He had already thought about crib, planned to buy parts and build it on his own, but he lacked free time between work and being with Chirrut, especially since Chirrut’s back and feet began to ache and he needed massages to soothe the pain.

‘That- that’s good. I need to thank them’ Baze grunted in reply and shoved hand into pocket of his pants to check if _it_ hadn’t fall out. It was there, sitting safely on the bottom of pocket and poking at the flesh of fingers.

‘Everything’s alright? You’re tense’ Chirrut asked worried. His hand wandered to the scar on Baze’s face and caressed it with fingertip.

‘Actually’ Baze grasped it and pulled it out, ‘I want to tell… To ask you about something.’

‘Now I’m worrying.’

‘No, please, don’t! It’s just-‘ Baze caught Chirrut’s hand in his and pressed them together, hard item digging in palms. ‘Chirrut Îmwe, I know you, as Guardian of the Whills, are forbidden to get married, but... I want to ask you, if you…’ The words died in Baze’s throat. He had practiced the speech at least ten times today, not to mention two weeks of preparing it, yet under Chirrut’s soft gaze he was unable to find voice. ‘Would you be my companion for the rest of our lifes, for good and bad times, no matter where the Force will lead us?’

Chirrut let out shaky breath, puff of air trickling Baze’s lips. He leant in and let their forehead touch, and entwined their fingers together.

‘I’m yours, Baze Malbus. You have my heart, my soul and my body, and I’ll stay by your side as long as the Force let us stay together in this world.’

Chirrut closed the gap between them and sealed their lips in kiss. He shifted fingers so his fingertips traced the lines of object between their palms.

‘What’s this?’

‘The not-wedding pendant. I thought traditional band will draw too much attention.’

Chirrut wrapped his fingers around a firebird figurine and Baze closed his around Chirrut’s fist.

‘It’s heavy. What is it made of?’

‘Gold.’

Chirrut sucked in breath loudly. ‘Stars’ mercy, Baze! You shouldn’t have-‘

‘I must’ Baze cut in. ‘I love you, Chirrut.’

Baze didn’t mention he sold one of his blasters and worked extra hours for a month to afford the gift.

‘I’ll wear it under one condition. You must have a matching one for yourself.’

Baze chuckled in answer. He pulled out another pendant from pocket, identical but made of metal, and laid in on Chirrut’s open palm.

‘But yours is lighter. That’s cheating.’

‘I couldn’t afford another golden one’ Baze muttered lowly, his face suddenly hot all over.

Chirrut’s lips twitched and curved into a sad smile. ‘Oh Force, it should be me to buy you one. You work so hard and I just sit here for a whole day, completely useless…’

Baze quickly gathered him in an embrace before Chirrut started weeping. ‘No no, you’re not useless at all, love. Pleased don’t cry. We’ll think about your reciprocation once the baby will be born, okay?’

Chirrut sniffed. ‘Yeah, alright. I’m sorry, it’s just…’

‘Hormones, I know love.’

Baze gave him a peck on the top of head.

‘So from now on, can I officially call you my husband Baze?’

Baze couldn’t help grinning. ‘It’s welcomed, husband.’

*          *

Even if no one really knew how, NiJedha’s residents were able to sense oncoming rains. Maybe it was about increased humidity of air or change of winds’ direction; anyway, people knew and prepared for upcoming force of nature earlier. That’s why Baze and other of Sao’s workers worked in hurry to secure the load in time. The first raindrops began to fall just after they had finished.

Strolling home, Baze passed by celebrating people, adults dancing in the rain alongside children, laughter filling whole city.

By the time he reached their flat he was drenched with chilly water. Chirrut was already waiting for him with towel in one hand and another hand supporting his engorged belly.

‘They are incredibly vivid today’ Chirrut explained with a grin as he was drying Baze’s mane. ‘It’s their first rain!’

Yardu offered to tell baby’s sex some visits ago, but Chirrut declined and Baze didn’t mind his decision. They let it be surprise for another three months.

‘Sao gave us few days free, until it stops raining’ Baze said.

‘Wonderful. We’ll finally have some time for each other’ Chirrut punctuated his words with a kiss on the tip of Baze’s nose. Baze smiled in answer. Indeed he needed rest from warehouse mundane work and to help Chirrut; Chirrut wouldn’t admit it but he started to have problems with walking, not to mention perpetually sore swollen ankles.

Once in fresh dry clothes Baze let his husband tug him to the bed and hide under the blanket, listening to the drops rapping at the window and cheerful noises from the streets. Chirrut’s hand was sliding unhurriedly over planes of Baze’s torso and Baze willingly joined in, peppering his neck and collarbones with light kisses.

‘You know, the last real rain fell shortly after you left, five years ago’ Chirrut whispered so quietly it was barely audible above rain music. ‘It was the most violent storm I remember. It poured for six days in a row, it created torrents flowing down the streets. Thunderstorms destroyed few buildings and many crops. Since then there were only two drizzles lasting less than day. And now, gentle rain. Refreshing, giving hope to Jedhan people.’

‘Are you implying rains are connected to my leave and return? Is this a metaphor?’

‘Sort of’ Chirrut laughed. ‘You definitely brought me back to life.’

Baze give him a tender kiss on lips. ‘The pleasure is mine, love.’

The steady shower lasted for three days and caused whole NiJedha and its surroundings to bloom with plentiful of plantlife. Baze bought a new bouquet of fresh flowers every day for next two weeks and thoroughly described its colors to Chirrut.

*          *

There were rumors. Of Rebel Alliance who disturbed the Empire on other planets, and that the organization was planning to form a cell on NiJedha. No one could tell if it’s truth or just people’s desperate hope for anyone to help abused Jedhans. Stormtroopers acted more and more brutal in past weeks. They assaulted one of Church of the Force’s temple and killed half of priests there, and only few days later they mercilessly pacified peaceful demonstration against Empire’s violence. Over a hundred people were killed, arrested or had disappeared without a trace.

Baze repeated those news to Chirrut reluctantly, noticing growing dread of his beloved. He saw Chirrut’s worry about Guardians. He once sneaked around the Temple and besides increased frequency of soldiers’ patrols everything looked the same, but his words didn’t calm down his husband.

He couldn’t sense growing disturbance in the Force Chirrut did and which was the main reason of his anxiety. Chirrut just knew something really bad was going to happen soon, felt it more and more with each meditation session. Despite common sense and all orders from Yardu, when Baze was at the warehouse he put on his favourite oversized coat and with head shaded with hood he left the house and turned toward Temple of the Kyber.

His walk was slow. His belly looked like he was about to give birth any day, not in two months. It weighed so much and his back hurt now constantly in spite of Baze’s gentle attention.

The streets bustled with nervous energy. The air and the Force around vibrated with tension, raising a goosebump on Chirrut’s forearms and elevating his heartbeat. Something was very, very wrong.

He was passing through large square when he heard a loud clang and telltale noise of something metal rolling on sandstone pavement. Half of second later the grenade exploded.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how, but it's done. I pushed myself to finish this chapter this week because Life™ proved once more that when I think things can't be any worse, yeah, they very can. So if not now, I wouldn't have time to write till June.
> 
>  
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: blood, non-graphic injuries, concussion and, well, labour, though nothing graphic.
> 
>  
> 
> For the last time - thanks to Looonia16. This fic would never come into existence without their knowledge, support and encouragement. Looonia - I don't need luck, I have you.

Baze’s heart stopped and burst.

Searing pain erupted in the center of his chest knocking the air out of his lungs. He fell on knees gasping desperately for breath. Coworker, he wasn’t even sure which one, asked if he’s okay. He wasn’t.

Something terrible had happened to Chirrut.

Baze scrambled on his feet and ran out from warehouse without a word, chased by Sao’s shouts. Streets were full of people hurrying away from city’s center, where he sensed Chirrut currently was. Baze towed forward, cutting through crowd like a knife cut through flesh, shouldering people, clenching his fingers on a remote blaster in his pocket ready to use it if anyone opposed him – stormtrooper, pilgrim, local, no difference. He let go of conscientious movements, just let his feet take him to his husband.

He ended up in narrow alley leading to one of NiJedha’s biggest square. Plaza was hollow but group of troopers securing the area. There were bodies lying on the ground and rusty smears staining pale sandstone tiles.

Heavily hammering heart clogged Baze’s windpipe. The throbbing sensation in his chest – the Force, or whatever it was – still pushed him to go further, to the next street.

Baze may have not be the most graceful or agile man, but over-decade-long zama-shiwo training imprinted itself on his muscle memory. With long-forgotten deftness Baze climbed on the nearest archway, placing his feet and fingers in cracks in wall, and once his hands reached flat surface of top he pulled his body up to land silently in crouch. When he was sure no one noticed his presence he jumped on the roof of closest building and scurried across it, then leapt on another block, following his intuition to bottom of blind alley forking off the square. It was even narrower than previous street, shaded by tall houses surrounding it. If not the tugging sensation Baze would miss huddled shape wedged behind a stack of crates.

Chirrut was sitting curled on himself with back propped against the wall and arms wrapped protectively around his belly. Right side of his head was covered with shell of crusted blood. Unfocused gaze of blind eyes roamed somewhere over far wall of alley.

‘B-baze?’ Chirrut slurred. His head turned toward his partner only to loll back limply on his breastbone. Baze was by his side in two powerful lunges.

‘Yes, Chirrut, it’s me’ Baze rasped. He cupped Chirrut’s face and gently turned it right and left to assess the injury. The wound was shallow, even though it had bled a lot. Baze tentatively reached between Chirrut’s legs and patted crotch of his pants; thankfully it was dry.

‘Someone threw grenade. Later they shot, troopers and… Rebels, I suppose. I managed to crawl here before they seized me.’

‘Can you walk?’

‘Dunno. The world spins so much…’

Chirrut leant forward and shifted to stand up which only resulted in immediate fall into Baze’s embrace.

‘Seems I can’t walk.’

Baze just lifted him with arms under Chirrut’s shoulder blades and knees, unharmed side of head propped against his shoulder.

‘Hold on love, I’m taking you to Yardu.’

Chirrut only let out a silent whine instead of answer.

Baze changed the route, chose sneaking through backyards and cellars over roofs. Months of hard physical work had fortified muscles of Baze’s arms and carrying Chirrut was no strain. Running was a different thing; his legs burnt and scream, but at least streets had emptied, not even a trooper to be seen.

Baze barged into the lounge and before May squeaked any warning he elbowed the door to the office open. Yardu was occupied with another patient, young man with cut eyebrow. He was sitting on low stool while the doctor was applying stutters.

‘He got hit too?’ the doctor asked deadpanned. Baze confirmed with a nod.

‘I’m sorry Teel, he needs my attention more than you, he’s a difficult case’ Yardu said to the man. ‘May will finish the sewing, she’s a qualified medical droid.’

Before Teel responded she turned her back to him and disposed of used utensils and gloves. May hovered from the lounge, already chirping cooing words Baze didn’t listen to, too focused on tracking Chirrut’s ragged breath.

‘Lay him on the table and bring oxygen tank from storage’ Yardu barked orders snapping a new pair of gloves on. Baze complied without a word. When he returned from adjacent room there was a curtain separating Yardu and Chirrut from May and another patient. Chirrut had no coat and his shirt was open. White round electrodes had appeared on his chest and belly. Yardu was pressing her tiny hands to his bum.

‘I feel child’s movements’ she said, and Baze felt a wave of hope flooding and chocking him. ‘Put the tank down, give him mask and turn it on.’

With the mask on Chirrut finally drew in a deep breath and his hand found Baze’s where it gently placed the mask over his nose and mouth. His gaze were still bleary but fixated on his husband’s face. Corner of his lips lifted in weak smile.

The second of Yardu’s droid flew from its corner and examined Chirrut with usual fit of beeps. Couple of minutes the testing usually took now felt like ages of suffocating uncertainty. Yardu read the results with deep frown that eventually transformed into a sigh of relief.

‘They’re both fine. He is concussed and shocked but fine. Chirrut, you fucking idiot, you shouldn’t even leave house in your current state and you managed to be in the very center when the shit went down. I have a lot of cool equipment but I don’t own incubator to keep seven-month-old baby alive, for stars’ fucking sake! Eh, talking to you now makes no sense, wait till you come back to the world of living, I’ll yell the soul out of you…’

Sudden curse streak spilling from her mouth elicited a minute flinch of Baze’s numb shoulders. He would never expect the doctor to be so harsh.

Still muttering curses under her breath Yardu disappeared behind the curtain. Few muted sentences later she beelined to storage and May and Teel left the office.

Chirrut raised his hand to lift the mask.

‘Baze, I’m sorry’ he said with tired, broken whisper. Baze caught his hand to move it away from his face and adjusted the mask.

‘We will talk later love’ Baze whispered back and kissed his knuckles.

Yardu returned with handful of items. She administered Chirrut a dose of painkillers and started cleaning and patching up the head wound. For the whole time Baze caressed Chirrut’s palm with thumb, observing doctor’s proceedings in silence. Yardu murmured another streak of invectives at the beginning but later went silent too, focused solely on doing her job. The only sounds were rhythmical beeps from Yardu’s pad and distant shouts of troopers patrolling the streets.

‘There’ Yardu placed bacta pad over the injury and stepped back to evaluate her work. She threw wastes to red trash bin. ‘Stay here, I’ll be back in a moment’ she said and left through the door to storeroom.

Chirrut’s hand wandered to his belly. Baze’s attention was caught by red stretch marks circling the swell. They had appeared despite regular application of lotions. Chirrut had used to have them during puberty too, when he had hit growth spurt. They had thankfully thinned and faded, though were still noticeable in daylight as light lines on his arms and thighs.

Chirrut removed oxygen mask again.

‘I feel like… Floating’ he blubbered. ‘Like I’m lying on soft thick mattress, dipping into it…’

‘Swimming’ Baze prompted. He happened to visit seaside and pools on other planets, had even tried swimming. He knew Chirrut had never experienced swimming and the biggest body of water he had seen was a fountain on NiJedha’s main market so he couldn’t relate. ‘We should fly on the planet with ocean with our child, one day.’

‘Lovely idea. Baze, I see a light…’

Panic pushed a high-pitched noise from Baze’s chest, made him close the grip around Chirrut’s wrist in spasm. He knew a thing or two about head wounds and Guardian’s words were a bad omen.

‘He’s delirious, he’s bleeding to his brain!’ he shrieked as soon as Yardu went back to office, so quickly his words merged into one barely comprehensible streak.

‘No worries, it’s because of painkillers’ she replied shortly.

‘But…’

She stepped closer and pinched his forearm, hard enough to cause a hiss of pain. ‘Stop it. I checked him thoroughly and thanks to whatever higher powers you believe in, he’s only got mild concussion. I take a guess he was far enough from explosion it only knocked him to the ground. The fact he wasn’t captured only proves he’s a lucky bastard.’

Baze huffed and let his head drop on chest, drawing deep calming breaths.

‘Anyway, he and baby are fine. But the city is closed, troopers are everywhere and there’s no way you can go back to your house. You stay at my place until the situation cools down. At least I’ll have Chirrut under my control, he might have wanted to do something stupid again…’

‘Thank you madam.’

‘It’s Yardu, Baze. Don’t make me feel old.’

Baze gave her a weary smile. Tiredness slowly seeped into his bones as adrenaline backed off. Chirrut and child were safe. Yardu offered them a shelter. Things were mostly under control.

‘Baze, you still there? Not hearing you’ Chirrut mumbled. His husband drew his fingers up and down his sensitive inner forearm. Chirrut gasped in relief.

‘Pick him up and we go upstairs' Yardu turned off the tank and took the mask of Chirrut's face. ‘Be careful with head and belly.’

Baze carefully hugged Chirrut's pliant body and followed Yardu through storeroom and further by narrow staircase to attic. Behind the door she opened with a chip hanging on thin cord on her neck was a living room, not much bigger than one in Chirrut and Baze's house. Yardu crossed the room toward a row of doors on far wall and opened the first one to show a plain bedroom with nothing more than bed and nightstand inside. Baze eased Chirrut down slowly on bed and tucked sheets around him.

‘Rest honey' Yardu cooed and stroked his short dark hair. ‘We will be in adjacent room, just call if you need anything.’

Chirrut let out muttered ‘mhmm’ and closed his eyes. His breath evened in just few beats.

‘Come. He’s safe now, you can leave him’ Yardu whispered and tugged at Baze's elbow. They returned to living room. Baze slumped on a couch and covered face with hands. His eyes burnt with dry tears of both fear and relief. He couldn't even spare a fraction of focus on what was Yardu doing until she brought a cup of steaming tea in front of him. He accepted it with gratitude though couldn't find a word to express it. She gave him an understanding smile. He sipped burning drink, savoring the feel of hot liquid pouring down his chest. Yardu dug thumb in the inside of his wrist, right above the pulsing vein.

‘You did well. You haven't panicked' she made a comment. Baze grunted in reply.

Yardu disappeared from his sight again. She made clattering noises and when she came back she held two plates of bland stew. Breath hitched in Baze’s throat as he accepted the meal.

‘As far as I know group of locals inspired by so called Rebellion attacked imperial patrol. Most of them were killed immediately, the rest fled and troopers are currently looking for them’ she spoke while they were eating.

‘Aren’t you afraid they will come here? You're a doctor, they could hide there so you would treat them.’

Yardu snorted with a hint of amusement. ‘My practice is not commonly known. It's not that easy to find me. We're safe here.’

Silence fell again. Yardu and Baze finished their meals, the woman washed dishes and sat back on couch with her own cup of tea. They quietly sipped drinks, Baze sunken in cacophony of low beeps coming from Yardu’s pad, currently left on the table in front of them. On the screen two curving lines danced in repetitive cycles, one much quicker than the other.

‘Do you have children?’ Baze asked when his cup was half-empty.

‘You ask if I’ve ever born a child in my womb and then given birth to it? No. But I still consider myself a mother of many children’ Yardu reply, watching him cautiously over a brim of cup, brows slightly raised. ‘Does this answer satisfy you?’

Baze shrugged. ‘I don’t mean to pry in your backstory. You told me as much as you want.’

That earned him a wry smile. ‘You’re such a polite boy, Baze.’

He huffed in quiet laughter and smirked for the first time that day. Tiredness hit him all at once, unexpected and overwhelming, burnt in his eyes and covered his bones with lead.

Something thin and solid nudged at Baze’s arm. He turned to saw Yardu holding simple cylindrical comm and poking him with it.

‘While I remember. If anything happens again and you’d be unable to come to me call, and I’ll get to you’ she explained and handed him the comm. Again, Baze couldn’t voice his gratefulness, focused entirely on keeping his eyelids open.

‘Go to sleep. Take another bed. Bathroom is far right’ Yardu whispered and laid her hand on his shoulder.

‘I want to be with him. Just give me a blanket, I can sleep on the floor’ Baze grumbled. It turned out much harsher than he wanted, but the doctor didn’t seem offended.

‘He’s on me now. He recovers and you can’t do anything for him right now apart from resting yourself’ Yardu was calm but relentless. ‘There’s enough rooms for the both of you to sleep comfortably.’

‘I sleep shortly. What do we do next?’

Yardu’s lips curved in a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I can teach you lots of things before you return home. I suppose you’ve never wrapped a diaper.’

*          *

Chirrut woke up after twelve hours of solid sleep. He felt much better, at least before Yardu started her lecture. She didn’t shout, she just said a monologue about responsibility in low, intimidating voice. Baze said nothing, just pulled at his husband so Chirrut was lying on his chest and massaged gently his shoulders to ease the anxiety while the doctor continued her scolding. Baze had guessed where was Chirrut going when the attack had happened, but knew they could do nothing for Guardians right now.

Life in the city returned to normal in two days after rebels’ riot. Chirrut earned unconditional bed arrest with exception of regular visits at Yardu’s, but even if he wanted he wasn’t able to leave the house without Baze’s help. Dangerous event had strained remains of energy he’d still got, forcing him to stay in bed for the most of day.

Baze resigned from job with a pang of sadness. He had really come to like mundane work in warehouse but Chirrut needed him more. Sao seemed to understand it. Before they parted he throw a pouch of credits at Baze and before Baze said any word Sao pressed a finger to his lips and wished him luck.

Chirrut had fits of crying and complaining about his uselessness at least three times a day. Baze stopped telling him otherwise and just hugged him until he calm down.

Baze was increasingly tired too but didn’t complain, just held on day after day. He didn’t say a word even when he reached the verge, only let himself a weary sigh when Chirrut was asleep.

*          *

‘Looks good’ Yardu nodded with appreciation. ‘Not without problems but you’ve made through it. According to estimated conception time you ought to give a birth in eight days. To tell you the truth I stand for performing C-section, to spare you pain and stress…’

‘C-section? You want to cut him?’ Baze interrupted, his face turning white.

‘Yes, it involves cutting him. It’s still safer than allowing him to give a birth in natural way. Even if it’s able to carry a child his body is unprepared for labour. I have necessary equipment and experience in performing this procedure.’

Baze opened his mouth to argue but Chirrut stopped him with a gesture.

‘It’s okay. I trust you’ he agreed with the doctor.

‘Well then. If nothing happens before, we meet in a week for C-section. How are your breasts Chirrut?’

He cocked his head in confusion. ‘Breasts? You mean a… Well I don’t know what you mean.’

‘Can I take a look at them?’

Chirrut hesitantly opened his shirt. The doctor gently thumbed the flesh around his nipples.

‘Nah, you’re not lactating’ she commented. ‘Pity. That man back on Chandrila did. In that case I need to get you powdered milk soon.’

*          *

Three days after their last meeting the group of thirty heavy-armed rebels attacked stormtroopers’ garrison on the outskirts of NiJedha. They inflicted significant loss killing and injuring many troopers, and unlike the first time most of rioters escaped to the city and concealed themselves. This provoked mass searching in whole NiJedha; troopers invaded every house, workshop and sanctuary hunting for insurgents. Civilians were attacked as well, harassed, wounded and robbed, killed if dare to stand against imperials’ violence. The city was dead empty, all of the residents hidden in their houses, as quiet as possible.

The next morning, after restless night spent on tossing around in bed, Chirrut had first contractions.

‘It’s started!’ Baze cried into comm, making Yardu cringe.

‘Baze, please calm down. Does he got contractions? How long between them?’ the doctor asked.

‘Yes. About thirty minutes, for past three hours. He says he feels it’s started, and you know, how is he…’ he sounded a bit incoherent and made long pauses between words.

‘Yeah, I know’ Yardu sighed. ‘What is he doing now?’

‘He’s, ah, pacing around.’

‘Good, he should keep walking as long as possible. I’m coming but it will take a time. For stars’ sake, don’t panic at all cost, and calm Chirrut down as much as you can. Suggest breathing exercises or meditating or whatever he usually does, but keep him calm, do you understand?’

‘Y-yes.’

The comm went silent again, only escalating Baze’s fear, already clutching at his neck. He looked again at Chirrut slowly marching back and forth along the wall with one hand on its surface for aid and the other pressed under his belly. Baze stepped closer and touched at his elbow lightly

‘Yardu’s on her way’ Baze muttered and pressed a kiss to Chirrut’s head.

‘Good’ Guardian answered with light groan. He leant heavily on Baze’s offered arm and resumed his walk around small flat.

Yardu arrived almost an hour later, covered in dark brown coat covering her tiny silhouette and carrying a full bag. Under the coat she wore her usual dark blue gowns. She eyed the flat, then focused on Chirrut, to grab Baze’s wrist and tug him in far corner, away from Chirrut.

‘I need to ask you a question, and you must consider it carefully’ she said deadpanned. ‘I’m going to need help. It can be you, but I can also go for any of your neighbors who had born their own children and know the thing. If you want to stay, I need to be sure you will listen to me and not panic. It’s not going to be nice and easy. Chirrut will suffer, bleed and scream, and both of us won’t be able to do anything about it. But I don’t push you, Baze. It’s your call.’

Baze looked at his husband. Chirrut stopped on his way, bent in half with another contraction.

‘I stay’ he replied, voice dying out with rapidly beating heart clogging his throat.

‘Are you sure, Baze?’ the question was soft, and answer for it firm.

‘Yes, I stay with him.’

Yardu nodded in acknowledgment. ‘First task, get me all of spare towels and sheets you’ve got.’ She turned away and came to Chirrut. They spoke with hushed voices, Baze couldn’t make a word, only noticed Yardu carefully palpating Chirrut’s belly.

When Baze returned with handful of cloths he saw Chirrut sitting on bed covered with plastic sheet Yardu had produced from inside her bag. She pointed at the table so Baze laid the bundle there, and then waved him off with hand.

‘Go busy yourself in bathroom. I need to check him.’

Baze shrugged and left. He didn’t even realize he’s gripping forcefully at the rim of large low basin sustaining them for bath until his knuckles start to ache. With mind’s eyes he saw Chirrut disposing of his clothes, letting Yardu examine him, touch even in the most intimate places, just like he allowed it in past six months. He had trusted her so easily.

Both Chirrut and Baze knew she was sent them by the Force.

*          *

The scream pierced Baze’s eardrums and bore a hole into his skull.

Chirrut slumped on him once again. It was like a morbid mantra – Chirrut arched his back with a shout, closing his fingers around Baze’s fists with a bone-crushing force, and then collapsed back onto Baze’s chest. They had lost the track of time, if it was an hour or ten since Chirrut had finally settled on the end of bed with spread legs ready to push. The galaxy had shrank to Chirrut, Baze behind him and Yardu kneeling between his legs. Chirrut’s thighs were covered with sheet so the men couldn’t see the doctor, only heard her continuing encouraging comments.

‘I can’t’ Chirrut whimpered weakly. ‘I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough.’

‘You can do it, just push, honey’ Yardu coaxed.

Baze mouthed at his temple, a salty tinge of sweat Chirrut’s hair was soaked in biting on his lips.

‘Just a little bit longer’ he whispered softly pressing his cheek to Chirrut’s head. Baze was sure with next contraction and next shout he would break apart. Chirrut always pointed out Baze was warm like a furnace, but now Chirrut blazed with heat through sweat-drenched shirt like a sun.

One spasm, second, third. With the fourth Chirrut let out a soul-tearing shriek. Baze could swear his heart shattered in million pieces like a glass figurine crushed by Pain’s heavy boot.

‘That’s it, Chirrut! We’re done!’ Yardu announced happily. ‘You can relax now!’

Chirrut huffed and still panting dropped boneless on his husband.

‘It’s okay, it’s over’ Baze still murmured into Chirrut’s ears, stroking wet hair.

‘You can leave him now, I need you here Baze.’

Reluctantly Baze slipped from behind Chirrut and carefully eased him down. He averted his gaze from red-stained sheets tossed around to pink being on Yardu’s hands that just let out a high-pitched wail.

‘It’s a boy’ Yardu grinned. She looked tired but beamed with satisfaction. From above Chirrut chuckled, exhausted but happy as well. Baze forced himself to not cry yet. He was needed.

‘Go check the water, you’re going to bathe your son’ the doctor ordered.

‘B-bathe? I might hurt him!’

Yardu’s gaze quickly shifted into angry glare. ‘Baze, you will do it for next ten years or so and you need to learn how to do it now. I showed you how to hold a baby and how to proceed. I must attend Chirrut now and I can’t do it for you.’

Baze swallowed loudly but obediently sneaked into bathroom for a moment. The water in basin was still lukewarm. He had heated it to steaming hot before the birth began; it seemed the labour didn’t take as long as it felt. He came back and instantly Yardu handed him the baby and one of scarce still clean sheets.

‘Why is he still crying?’ Baze asked worried.

‘He’s just trying his lungs, it’s nothing wrong’ came the answer. ‘Now shoo, get on with it!’

Baze shot a glance on Chirrut who still lied limply on bed, drawing deep calming breaths like during meditation.

Baze carefully stepped to bathroom. The baby on his hands wriggled a little, still crying at the top of his lungs. Baze tentatively stroked wisps of dark hairs plastered to tiny head.

‘Hey, no need to cry’ he whispered but it bore no effect. His son continued to shout restless. Baze involuntarily smiled at him.

Just like Yardu had taught him Baze took a hold of the boy in one hand ( _Force, he was hardly bigger than his palm_ ) and with slow movements washed him clean from blood and fluid, taking care to not spill water into constantly open in scream mouth. Once Baze had finished he dried and wrapped the baby in fresh sheet. The boy finally calmed down a bit and his cry turned into quiet whimpers.

‘There, I take you to your papa now’ Baze cooed and dared to kiss baby’s forehead. The boy went silent at once and for the first time opened his huge eyes to gaze at his father. They were deep blue, the color of nightsky over NiJedha, just like Chirrut’s before milky film had covered his irises. Two unexpected trails of tears trickled at Baze’s cheeks.

Chirrut was lying under blankets in fresh clothes and dirty sheets had disappeared from sight when Baze returned to living room, hugging his son closely to his chest.

‘See? Wasn’t that hard’ Yardu, smiling, patted his hand and pried the baby from his embrace. ‘Now I take a look at that boy and you go to Chirrut.’

Baze watched as she laid him down on the table, whispering tenderly for all the time. He turned back to sit by Chirrut on bed. His husband cocked his head and lifted his hand which Baze caught instantly and pressed to his lips.

‘You did it. You were great’ Baze whispered to Chirrut’s knuckles. He couldn’t help grinning like an idiot, and Chirrut smiled as well.

‘Yeah, I did it. I tell you Baze, respect women and mothers especially. You have no idea what they go through…’

Baze leant in to peck at his forehead. ‘He’s got your blue eyes.’

Chirrut’s smile suddenly faded away. ‘Hope it’s only the color he got from me.’

‘We need to wait some time to know it. Don’t bother yourself with it now, just rest, love.’

Chirrut grabbed at Baze’s shirt and pulled him down until Baze arranged himself by his side, then scooted closer to cling to his husband.

‘I love you’ Chirrut whispered right into Baze’s ear.

‘I know. I love you too.’

Quiet steps and Yardu stood beside them, rocking the baby gently in her arms.

‘Good news. For all I can tell now, he’s perfectly fine’ she announced cheerfully.

The men sighed unison in relief. The doctor nudged at Chirrut’s arm until he lied on his back again and shifted his forearms into cradle.

‘I’m passing him to you’ she warned and handed him the boy. Chirrut gasped when he felt his weight, his eyes glowing with tears. The boy let out surprised wail, gaping cautiously at Chirrut’s face. Yardu waved at Baze.

‘I can safely leave you and drop by tomorrow, and before I leave come with me Baze. I’ll show you how to prepare powdered milk.’

*          *

When Chirrut and Baze returned to the Temple after half of year of absence with newborn wrapped up and strapped across Chirrut’s chest, no Guardian asked them any question. Monks greeted them cordially as if they had left only the day before, and when they noticed the baby they enthusiastically accepted the boy inside the walls of sanctuary. No one said it out loud, but every Guardian recognized his arrival as the sign from the Force, the symbol of oncoming restoration of peace, and promised in their minds and under their breaths to protect the baby at all cost.

 

 

 

*          *

 

 

A clang of credit dropped into a fractured clay bowl. That’s tomorrow’s breakfast for them three.

‘May the Force of others guide you safely!’

Another clang. That’s for dinner.

Nearly a year ago stormtroopers had attacked Temple of the Kyber again. This time soldiers had expelled all Guardians from the sanctuary and robbed kyber crystals stored inside the Temple. Majority of monks lost their lives trying to hold back the assault. Among them was master Torlon who had killed twenty troopers before he got fatal hit and cursed the Empire with his last breath. Chirrut forced Xiang to flee as soon as the attack had started so the boy hadn’t seen Torlon’s death, but Baze did. He stared right into man’s eyes as the light in them slowly ebbed and died out forever.

After twelve years of relative peace, disrupted from time to time by clashes of rebels and troopers, Chirrut, Baze and their son had lost home. One more time they were rescued by Tir Kovano; the man had gifted them the codes and chip cards to their old tiny flat before he had flown away from Jedha. The war took his beloved brother away and he decided to leave the moon before it took his family as well.

Yardu still lived in the flat above her office. She did her best to help every NiJedha citizen in need but she was short of equipment and every transport was thoroughly searched and medical equipment was halted. But she always had at least consoling words and a cup of tea for everyone who came to her.

‘Where’s Xiang?’ Chirrut asked.

‘You are the one with Force radar in your head. You tell me where is he’ Baze grumbled in answer, adjusting the grip of his fingers on gun. His weaponry had changed in past years, from concealed blasters to powerful gun he carried all day to keep Chirrut safe while he was spending hours on streets collecting money from generous pilgrims.

Chirrut smirked. ‘You know it’s not how the Force works.’

‘He left to the city after breakfast. I have no idea where is he currently.’

‘I bet he’s somewhere near women bathhouse again peeping around.’

Baze choked on breath and coughed. ‘He what?!’

‘Few days ago Emia dropped by, tugging Xiang by ear and told she caught him nearby women restroom. It doesn’t take much to guess he is to do it again.’

‘Why haven’t I heard about it earlier?!’

Baze drew in a very deep breath and released it with a sigh. Xiang or Chirrut, one of them would be his death very soon.

Chirrut only smiled wider in toothy grin.

‘We still need to tell him, right?’ Baze added quietly, leaning closer to Chirrut. His husband stopped smiling and frowned pensively.

‘I guess so. Even if he isn’t interested in men now, he may be in future, or his sons… You’re right. He’s almost thirteen. It’s high time to give him bees-and-flowers talk’ he added cheerfully and earned Baze’s groan.

‘Sometimes I regret he doesn’t have any sibling. Maybe it would teach him responsibility’ Chirrut mused. Baze pitied it too, but on the other hand, as situation in NiJedha had steadily worsened since Xiang’s birth, perhaps it was better Chirrut hadn’t fallen pregnant again.

Humming, Chirrut picked up the bowl and gathered credits collected inside to the pocket. A sight of blind monk awoke people’s sympathy and helped them to make ends meet for past year.

Chirrut stood up propped against his staff. ‘Let’s go find him. The Force has shifted. I’d better have him around when something happens.’

‘Something?’ Baze arched his brows.

‘The change is coming.’

Baze snorted. ‘For good or for worse?’

‘Change is always good’ Chirrut gave him a smile and found Baze’s hand with his, lacing their fingers together. ‘Come on, my love. Let’s find our boy before we cross our paths with the shard of kyber that has just landed on our moon.’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


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